I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
