I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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