I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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