Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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