I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You ate ashes out of my bong
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
