Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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