dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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