What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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