Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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