my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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