I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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