If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
