The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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