DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
