her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
