so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i dont even know how to be here
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
