I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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