please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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