I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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