we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
