I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
