you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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