Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just found a bag of teeth...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
