dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
