Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Randomize
