Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
