why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
