I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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