Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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