I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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