the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
he fucked my hip out of place.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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