I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize