I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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