And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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