Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My liver just broke up with me...
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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