I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
