Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
