so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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