tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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