take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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