I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
