You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
