so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
