The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
