I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
