I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
