Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
