I hate your face
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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