im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
