We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
