The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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