How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
