Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
