Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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