the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
