when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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