i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
