I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
