those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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