Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
