you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
