I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
