the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
NoShamevember. You game?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
This is my life. Enjoy the view
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
