I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
