I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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