I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
