went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
