Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
