Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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