sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
