These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
