I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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