So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
